Trashlyfe®

A conversation about an innovative economic and environmental solution

What is TrashLyfe®?

TrashLyfe® is a nonprofit promoting the only sustainable solution to rising sea levels, homelessness, and the growing amount of garbage in our oceans. By using symbiosis, TrashLyfe® hopes to convert existing marine debris, or “Garbage Patches,” into livable land for the hopelessly disadvantaged.

Why is TrashLyfe® important?

Mankind will not change its ways. Rising sea levels are reaching unprecedented levels and the only way to survive is to adapt – by utilizing the trash that’s already there. By 2050, there will be more trash in our oceans than fish. The only solution is to embrace filth. TrashLyfe® is the first non-profit of its kind to lay the groundwork for “ScumSteadingTM,” repurposing previously discarded and unwanted materials to create homes for our nation’s undesirables.

How Does It Work?

The vast majority of garbage in our oceans has the required buoyancy to be formed into floating landmasses. By combining discarded styrofoam, six-pack rings, cardboard boxes, oil filters, aluminum foil, animal carcasses, coffee lids, rubber tires, and other assorted flotsam, we can build land masses as big as needed. These structures are mobile, generally safe, and not beholden to OSHA guidelines. In this way, TrashLyfe® is the leading innovator in Creative Housing SolutionsTM.

Will This Cost Me, The Taxpayer?

No! The best part is TrashLyfe® diverts funds from preexisting government budgets, including healthcare, education, welfare, food stamps, social security, environmental protection, road maintenance, wildlife sanctuaries, veterans disability benefits, and other non-essential services.

So Who’s Building All Of This?

No one will thrive better in our Garbage Patches than those already living below the poverty line. TrashLyfe® will invite members of the homeless population to receive free housing in return for labor and upkeep.

Do They Get Paid?

Technically all volunteers are on unpaid internships and will receive academic credit to a for-profit university of their choice.

What Will Volunteers Eat?

Nothing attracts marine life better than food scraps and wrappers. Our Garbage Patches will naturally attract fish, turtles, whales, and other edible sea critters for our hardworking volunteers to capture and harvest. Additionally, garbage is a natural conduit for tasty algae that can be cooked into algae burgers, algae steaks, algae kale, anything really.

Will They Be Safe?

Our Garbage Patches will encourage genetic adaptability among its residents. Tetanus and dysentery will become daily parts of life. But studies have shown that homeless individuals possess specialized genetic makeups1 that permit them to survive in areas of filth and decay that would otherwise kill an ordinary person.

1 Study based on a 2 person sample size outside our offices in Daly City, CA

Are There Legal Issues?

Free from government bureaucracy and red tape, our Garbage Patches will promote progress in all walks of life. Citizens are allowed to self-govern and help themselves to as much discarded materials as they want. With no fixed borders, TrashLyfe® is free from taxes, corporate regulation, and safety protocols of any kind. Private ownership will be respected and citizens may stand their ground with whatever weapon most accurately reflects their liberty.

What If Volunteers Want To Leave?

Legally once being recruited into TrashLyfe®, volunteers are not permitted to enter any other nation or continent of any kind.

If ScumSteadingTM Is The Future, Do I Need To Be More Conscientious Of How I Dispose Of Waste?

Absolutely not! In fact, we encourage everyday citizens to recycle less and throw unwanted buildable materials down sewers drains, or if possible, directly into the ocean themselves. We do not believe that you, the taxpayer, should have to adjust your lifestyles to make all this possible.

So What Do You Need From Me?

Volunteers are encouraged, but right now we need you, the voter, to vote yes on Prop 87. This will bring back the Vagrancy Act of 1866, along with a progressive new form of eminent domain. We will then be legally permitted to seize any homeless person and ship them to one of our many Garbage Patches. In this way we can finally repurpose not just oceanic, but human garbage that blights our cities and streets. As American futurist R. Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983) once said:

“Pollution is nothing but the resources we are not harvesting. We allow them to disperse because we’ve been ignorant of their value.”

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