colored pencil drawing of tree

Space Jammed

Raymond Reyes was born in Riverside and has lived in Brooklyn, Austin, and various nooks, crannies and crack shacks in SoCal. He is an actor, singer, dancer, playwright, choreographer, stage director, filmmaker, puppeteer, pornographer, beach bum, Subgenius, Taoist, Drag Mother, Sugar Daddy, and vegan chef. Raymond’s Sun/Moon/Venus are all in Leo, with Mars in Aquarius and a Cancer Rising.

Instagram: @superphreaky
YouTube: guttersnype00
OnlyFans: @bossbellini

Noodles was a lousy alcoholic who projectile vomited red wine through his mouth spout on any given moment. It landed mostly on bathroom walls, but one time it landed in a blonde girl’s hair in the park. She didn’t notice and we laughed. It takes talent to puke sideways. It takes more talent to dodge that puke. Noodles is my best friend.

One day Noodles was evicted from his Silverlake shit shack and had nowhere else he wanted to go. His shit shack was slated for demolition. I moved him into my bed immediately cuz that’s what you gotta do in these situations, depending on how hot they are, and Noodles was a piping hot bowl of Umami. He also needed my help. I am Drag Mother and Sugar Daddy, in the guise of Mexican Johnny Depp.

Noodles would not be the first to receive the Gold Ticket to my Gypsy Den. I’ve helped other friends in need, from polyglot to Presbyterian, homeboy to homebody, gorgeous and a little smelly, the way I like it. Platonic, unless otherwise noted. God help you if you snore, though. I’ll smother you with my dirty pillows. All mostly crashed the couch. Noodles and Cookies got the whole Bed & Breakfast treatment, with me in bed as a bonus.

Ambience comes to me like crack to a pipe. I cultivate a Bollywood & Chill vibe. Mood lighting floats over bongs and candles among the trinkets and the nail polish. Stimulating patterns and color blocking. A chevron rug hangs over the bed for a David Lynch kick. Blue curtains with silver stars like Wonder Woman’s underwear block out the sun and common folk. A bamboo curtain from Diamond Head welcomes visitors at my bedroom door. Exotic instruments, Swarovski crystals, tarot cards, incense and peppermints. 

Growing up without a father, I relied on my Tomboy Disco Gangsta barhopping Latina mama for guidance. She guided me to the nearest babysitter while she partied her boogie off and boogied her party off. Nurturing was a cute thing she did to plants. Due to a difficult upbringing, she had physical and mental boundaries that no one was allowed to cross. No hugs, no high fives, no señor.

I learned to toughlove and nurture in my own way, to reinvent, to survive, and to handcuff people to my bed. (Only kidding, Noodles was free-range all the way.) Growing up lonely and isolated has given me Superfriend Superpowers, up to and including massages, haircuts, dinner service and private dances. To see friends struggle with homelessness and suffer hard times makes me spit, so why not roll them a blunt or two? I’ve been misjudged by outsiders, assuming I’m a naive pushover without backbone, but forgive them, Jesus, for they know not what the fuck.

Boundaries and personal space are important, but going with the flow and calming the fuck down is equally important. No need to antagonize. Intuition has saved my life like a cat with two left to go. Once they both left the nest, I was all alone with my feelings and my balls. I went through separation anxiety and a period of mourning. Unrequited Love is a Crux, and I Yearn for Reciprocation.

Yeah, I tried to seduce Noodles once, but he is also one to notice rather quickly when a different pair of hands are suddenly on his asscheeks. More importantly, we were thicker than thieves water, so he forgave me my molestation. Noodles moved in right when COVID hit, so we filmed our Corona Creeping adventures through quarantine, and I’m currently editing the footage. There are a lot of cockshots and spread cheeks. That was our Summer of Love, shortly before summer. Noodles moved out less than a month later, got his act together, and is no longer a lousy alcoholic. Noodles is now a hypnotherapist. I fell in love with Noodles, but Noodles will always be there, and I will always be there for Noodles.

Cookies is a handsome twink, lanky and dark, an occultist babe and Umami-hottie. Cookies was suddenly thrown out of his living situation by his roommates, Vaseline and Mayonnaise. Cookies has had his share of bad relationships and rotten luck, and now he was homeless. I got him a job and housed him in my room and bed, one year after Noodles received the same from me. Cookies was at a crumbling point. Mayonnaise had physically abused him and destroyed his property. I offered Cookies my heart, bloody valves and all. Mayonnaise can go fuck himself on his husband’s doorknob.

I cleared out some space in my Gypsy Den for Cookies and his remaining possessions. As with Noodz, Cookies and I hit it off like long lost energies, reincarnated and reunited. We watched horror movies in bed, smoked bowls, spread cards, and bonded like eccentric modern day fops with worldly scope. I did not have to tie up or molest Cookies. It was just too easy.

I do not live alone. I rent a room from Gumbo, the Man of the House, so my Gypsy Den is a rented space in another man’s home. Noodles and Cookies were both allowed a certain timeline, and both moved out successfully and timely. Gumbo is a savior. Gumbo built our backyard patio and pergola by hand, thus creating a friendly space and safe zone for our friends to gather, affectionately known as Pergolatory. He has opened his space and heart and allowed me to host these two handsome devils of mine, and I am forever grateful. 

And so it came time for Cookies to leave. He found a temporary room for the time being, and will rebound. The same separation anxieties hit like mudflaps, but I was thrilled to provide again. I fell in love with Cookies, but Cookies will always be there, and I will always be there for Cookies.

I have saved and been saved. I’ve housed and homed, planted, destroyed, and planted again, protecting friends from soul sucking swab-smearers. Missing from my life now is Permanent Companionship. Someone to adore in open spaces. Someone like Noodles or Cookies.

New personal ad: Looking for Love and Adventure. Ass may be fondled. Handcuffs optional.

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